My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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