Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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