If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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