But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
