i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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