it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
