I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
