Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
