please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
