If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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