Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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