He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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