I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
