All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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