mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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