I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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