my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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