I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
