I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
