Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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