i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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