Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You took a bar mat shot.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
