Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
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He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
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She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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