Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
im holly from the hills drunk
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
