Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
