capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
