she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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