hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
