His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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