and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
