He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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