lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
