We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
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It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
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Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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