you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
