every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
