It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
