i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
