I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
