dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
