im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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