lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I AM VODKA MAN
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
