I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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