I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
