I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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