Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
