I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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