You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
