I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
