Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
