i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
