Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
we're making bets on your personal life
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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