I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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