this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
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you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
My liver just had a heart attack.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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