Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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