JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
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Operation Purity has been aborted
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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