He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
