her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
