Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
