You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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