He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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